Mad Men

Today it was decreed that no one is allowed to be the least bit shocked that the TV show Mad Men is a critical hit and that, regardless of this fact, no one watches it.  

Critical hit because:

1.  Deep characters.

2.  Complex storyline.

3.  Accurately estimated depictions of historical events and times.

4.  Involves greasy hair.

5.  Quaint cultural references only understood by people who know something about history.

6.  No good guy.  As a corollary, No bad guy.

7.  Ends on an ambiguous yet unsurprising note.

8.  It's on AMC.

No one watches it because:

1.  Deep characters.

2.  Complex storyline.

3.  Accurately estimated depictions of historical events and times.

4.  Involves greasy hair.

5.  Quaint cultural references only understood by people who know something about history.

6.  No good guy.  As a corollary, No bad guy.

7.  Ends on an ambiguous yet unsurprising note.

8.  It's on AMC.

And yet the critics are surprised that no one watches, and the people who don't watch it have no idea what all the fuss is about.

Another interesting option, if you reject my theory, is that Mad Men is unsuccessful because it has been poorly marketed.  And if you have the slightest idea of what Mad Men is about... that there is some powerful irony.

An Apple a Day

Earlier this semester I stumbled upon a little-understood scientific which is essentially an experiment in the additive or multiplicitive property of the health benefits of Malus Sylvestris, more commonly known as the "apple."

It is well known and accepted that one apple a day will keep the doctor away.  The reason behind this is that the skin of the apple contains many vitamin-rich compounds which aid, chiefly, in repressing various ailments, such as the common cold, smallpox, and death.  The scientific community has only recently began to observe and categorize the effects of multiple apples a day, and what they have found so far is truly astounding.  It appears as though ingesting an increasing number of apples, through either oral mastication or straight-to-the-heart apple juice injections, acts as a panacea for all diseases currently known by man.  While two apples a day can accomplish this, it is my scientific opinion that three is the optimal number, just to be safe.  

I therefore humbly present this decree and hypothesis both to the academic community and the world:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Three apples a day makes you immortal.

Crime Shows

The following are rules that all crimes shows follow conciously or unconciously.

* CSI Miami and CSI NY do not warrant discussion because of their overall low quality and worthlessness. The originial Law & Order will not be discussed because its reruns are not played on USA, TNT, or Spike TV.

*Spot the Body
A crime show will open with an everyday scene either involving arguments, sex, or another poor plotline that you are relieved will be over in the next ten minutes as the discovery of the body resolves the conflict, or if not it is irrelevent because the characters will disappear from your life. There is a correlation between the strangeness of the discovery or the oddity of the body with the quality of the crime show episode.

- Theme Song Plays -

The next determinant of the quality of the episode is the detective team working the case.

CSI
- Greg is going to fuck it up
- Women will be wearing outfits unsuitable for the workplace
- Grissom will wear ugly hats and know everything about everything
- A lab tech will make a bad joke
- Nick will become emotionally attached to one or more suspects often resulting in a poor job
- Warrick's history of a gambling addiction will be referred to at every possible opportunity despite having never relapsed until he is constantly abused about it.
- Catherine will probably date the suspect who committed the crime and/or yet another of her father's past crimes will surface
- Sara will discuss her lack of happiness and/or a social life

L&O: CI
- If there is a female detective with an 80s haircut and a tacky blouse. Turn the TV off. Forget the episode happened before it's too late. Trust us, it's not worth it.
- Unless they are being kidnapped, the female detectives will do nothing other than 1) carry handcuffs and 2) point out the obvious e.g looking at a knife protruding from a victim's head and saying "he was stabbed"
- The crazy detective is crazy, and crazy awesome! Especially after his breakdown and resulting chubbiness. The last 10 minutes of the episode will be a long monlogue where he slowly taunts a subject into a confession, usually stemming from an obscure topic that he has an uncanny knowledge of.

L&O SVU
- If a husband is nice at the beginning, he is a rapist or abusive. If he is grumpy or nasty, he is innocent. DISCLAIMER: This rule does not apply to everyday dating.
- The following dialogue will occur in 1 out of every 3 episodes
Victim's Family Member: Do you have daughters/children?
Elliot: Yes... four
VFM: What would you do?
Elliot: I'd catch the bastard who did this to them/ I'd let us help you / I'd let us test you for Herpes.
- Elliot will be intense and distant from his family. He will either scream or cry near the end of the episode.... it will be awkward
- Olivia will get too involved in cases, often to the discomfort of persons associated with but not responsible for the crime. This usually involves her renting an apartment next to the victim's or stalking them. It is debatable if she has an apartment of her own.
- Ice T is only there to go undercover in the ghetto/ do the bad cop jobs no one else wants to do. Once every episode he and his partner will enter a scene holding an evidence bag, make a snarky comment, and leave once more.
- Dr. Huang is always right. Always. Really, you don't ever need to question him. He will also always be calm and collected.

3-Liners
- A three liner is a character being interrogated about a victim although they are always unconcerned and way too busy to ever stop moving.
- If a three liner sticks around, they have committed a crime especially if they look at the camera meaningfully.

- Megan and Kacey

Things You Put In Your Mouth

Today it was decreed: the shape of a food item is of equal importance as the food item itself, or its quality.

When considered at great length this should come as no surprise. Good foods come in three basic shapes:

Circle/Spheres: Apples, chocolate coins, banana slices, grapes, meatballs, etc.

Triangular: Pizza, sandwiches, cheese wedges, etc.

Penis: Bananas, corndogs, popsicles (for more information please see Superbad)



Furthermore
Any food that is already “good” can be made better by transforming its appearance into one of the before mentioned shapes.

Example

A sandwich is a good thing. Nobody dislikes sandwiches. However nobody eats a perfectly square sandwich. Everyone cuts their sandwich into triangles thus making the meal much more nom-able (see above decree).

This rule of triangle shapes does not apply for sub rolls. However sub rolls fall under the penis shape category and thus still follow the general outline of this decree.

Food items which are already bad may, or may not benefit from a shape transformation.

Example

Dog shit cut into triangles will still taste like dog shit. However, I submit that triangular dog shit, will be better than regular dog shit. Improvement does not imply desirability.

Om Nom Nom!

Today it was decreed that the onomotopoeia "nom," commonly applied to the eating or chewing of various things (for example, saying "nom nom" or "om nom nom" as one pretends to gnaw on his neighbor's shoulder) can now be applied to other grammatical forms, such as verbs ("I'm going home to nom some hot pockets.") and adjectives to describe the edibility of an object (a.k.a "nomable", "om-nom-able", "om-nom-nom-able" or any other such variant of n "nom" or n "om".)

For example, "That apple looks nomable," would convey that the apple being referred to appears to be quite delicious. One could further emphasize how delicious the apple appears by adding subsequent "om"'s and "nom"'s to the beginning of the word and to the end of his sentence, i.e, "That apple looks nom-nom-nomable. Om nom nom!" Even further nomability can be expressed by fondling the nomable object close to the face, gently chewing it with the teeth and gums, and proclaiming "om nom nom" aloud in the usual manner.

Actually eating the nomable object is not necessary, as om-nomability does not always imply edibility and is purely used for subjective observation.

Thus, a nom-nomable object may not necessarily be a food.

For example, om-nomability may also be used to describe attractiveness. The variations of "om" and "nom" can effectively replace most adjectives used to describe desirability, such as: hot, fine, attractive, savory, busty, voluptuous, etcetera. "She's om-nom-nomable." is an acceptable replacement for such phrases like "She's hot." or "That is one fine momma." Simply stating "Om nom" aloud while gesturing toward a particularly attractive specimen can successfully communicate an equivalent to "I'd tap that." Alternatively, "I'd nom that" is also acceptable.

Hopefully this decree will help you communicate the desires you formerly were not able to convey satisfactorily.

Excuse me whilst I nom on some om-nomably nomable honey wheat pretzels. Om nom nom!
-Andrew

Hot vs. Cute

Today it was decreed that it is far easier for a cute girl to be hot than for a hot girl to be cute.

This truth is self evident and no defense is necessary.